we drop halves to watch things flow and we melt into each other,
pretending to fuse as though our incomplete understanding of ourselves can make two one together
three one together, we count down together
okay it'll be better- sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette, the warmth of a summer night all over my skin
breathing in to feel my lungs swell with the poison and toxins i'm letting in
and I know I'm going to die
and I know you're inside
waiting, and i can't move my arms, and I don't know if i can stand
and i love you-but my skin is melting where the cigarette burns closer to my fingertips and my legs buckle like when we first kissed or was it when i first kissed him, or when he waved from the sidewalk as shivered from within
this december or last june, it doesn't matter.

i passed out on his floor when he went to get a glass of water. one second i was leaning against the dining room table, most of my clothing lying on the floor from when we were kissing. the next moment i'm waking from some swirling, terrifying dream to an "are you okay?" and repeated utterings of my name.

Love is like speed.
you don't eat or sleep, you feel sorta good, talk really fast, kind of ignore responsability.
then the next day you feel like shit.

you had it second, then you had it first
but you can't keep it, so write some verse.

experiments in fragility

my stomach keeps turning whenever I'm not dizzy and my mind keeps working, working, working

brokebrokebroken

9moremonthsiguess

i just woke up at 3pm to a wasteland
bloodshot eyes and aching limbs and dull recollections
like when i woke at 3am with a scream at the mundane
and the night i collapsed onto the floor waiting for the whisper of my name.

i just woke up at 3pm to a wasteland
not worse at least than the one in my dreams
where will i run out that door
who could say no to you and me

tumbling towards tomfoolery,
i'm smarter than this.
sillyboi

Frost in the fall of 2010 (buttfuckingforjesus5/5)

we buried our feelings like our heads in the snow
to be colder and harder and rougher than the last
we shuttered the windows and locked the doors
so noone can get into our hearts
still we're begging and pleading for someone to hear
the whispers that barely escape
from our cracked lips as they
bear the brunt of this winter and wait
for the moment when we let ourselves thaw

home v2(buttfuckingforjesus4/5)

we scratch at scabs, careful not to bleed to long
but always open, always bare
and another place, another bandage, someone else to stitch me up
but i crawl to you when i wake up
home: to that sinking feeling and familiar roads
take the bandage off, let things heal
wear the scar, a mark of pride
i cut the strings that play sad songs
and i'd strangle you with them if i could
but my hands they tremble so
home: to that sinking feeling and familiar roads
hand in pocket to seek out truth
from crumpled napkins with notes to you
from lovers- we're liars and lost ones,
and lonely for that. forget me forget me forget me
come back
home: to that sinking feeling and familiar roads
i cut the strings that play sad songs
and I'd strangle you with them if i could
but my hands they tremble so
but my hands they tremble so

BB (buttfuckingforjesus3/5)

best before
blue blunders
best before we start to care
best right before thunder
when the heavy air's a threat

best before
blossoms blowing
away with the wind and off the tres
best before
the breeze's harvest
when the skin is ripe and red,
unbruised for another moment

babyneversaidno

social smoker (buttfuckingforjesus2/5)

take a long drag and throw me away i'm on fire but you're bad for me have another drink and pour it on me to cool me down (drunk and horny) you get fucked up then fuck me up you get fucked up then fuck me up you get fucked up then fuck me up till I forget. break me up blow me away suck me dry we fuck when high you get fucked up then fuck me up you get fucked up then fuck me up you get fucked up then fuck me up till i forget.

casual (buttfuckingforjesus1/5)

get your blue jeans on
take your blue jeans off
get your blue jeans on
so i can kiss you goodnight
dear you're looking so formal
love, you're acting so stiff
dear you're looking so formal
don't be stupid like this
stop waiting, i'm waiting, for what
get your blue jeans on
going out tonight
get your blue jeans on
let's get fucked up tonight
dear you're looking so formal
love, you're not so tough
dear you're looking so formal
don't be stupid like this
get your blue jeans on
take your blue jeans off
get your blue jeans on
and i'll kiss you goodnight

welllatleastnowillwriteasongaboutchu

BB

best before
blue blunders
best before we start to care
best right before thunder
when the heavy air's a threat

best before
blossoms blowing
away with the wind and off the tres
best before
the breeze's harvest
when the skin is ripe and red,
unbruised for another moment

babyneversaidno

mature adult dramaless relationship of butterfly flutters and heathers sass and late nights just because and wondering should i miss drama but obviously no.

excuse me while i spin around on my bar stool

"I miss you" sounds so clinical, when you're messed up
i love yous are accidental 'cause you're fucked up

are we playing games yet, or am i still having fun?

maybe something

it's hot. 39 degrees with the humidex you said, and we lay side by side in the grass, sunning our pale bodies, sipping wine. it's the kind of heat where i can't bring myself to eat, so i just light another cigarette and hold a book up over my head- i'm getting a little drunk and can't really focus on the words but it keeps the sun out of my eyes.
we'll lie like this untill we start to turn pink and the sun is maybe setting and so we get another bottle of wine and meet with friends, those that deigned to leave their homes to sweat their way to yours, and we all sit on the porch as it gets darker, talking, laughing. even in the dark the humidity and the heat are unrelenting and now we're sipping gin and tonics, the ice in them melting so fast that they're warm and watery halfway through each glass and we each light another cigarette and all together we laugh.
and we'll lie in bed later, unable to touch because we're sticky with sweat and the two fans pointed at us do nothing but blow hot air but curled up face to face and maybe it will be the heat and the humidity that have my vision all blurry, or maybe it'll be the wine and those watery gin and tonics or maybe I'll even be dreaming, passed out at 11, but I'll stare right at you and you mouth something but i'm not sure, and it's dark so i can't even tell if your eyes are open, if this is all just a dream or a hazy vision or if you're trying to say something

you're a rush, you're a fever
you're the shakes, a hangover.
you're a night that goes 'till 9 am
nicotine craving, cigarette in hand.
you cross your Ts, my eyes water
so i can't see you getting farther

mind racing can't get body to rest/body aching from you & bed

just waiting for something c(oo/rue)l to happen

are you speeding up and slowing down and getting lost next to your house blue blue blur i missed you there blue blue blur i never stared and when you smiled i wasn't watching you, no and when you left i'd never leave you, no- and tic tic tock you're pretty and vacant eyes are never liars and i'd never say no because you know i don't but roll and roll and roll around the

am i too cynical, too cerebral,
too much the pessimist, too little equal
maybe i'm just waiting for the light to switch off so I can go all wide eyed
because you turned it on and i'm squinting
the blinders are off and there's nothing I want to see
i'll give him 30 seconds while i imagine what could be?

rooftop scenes, cigarette in your hand, bottle of wine at my feet. you stand up, agitated, alive with thought.
"we hide these things, everything! we pretend to not be feeling anything, we try not to worry about ecosystems dying and bombs going off. we know the answers were given aren't answers and so we try not to ask the questions! and I'm drunk NOW and i see NOW how ridiculous it is that tomorrow morning I'll do the same, i'll accept my powerlessness faced with the world and i'll shy away from the thought that we connected, that i felt something, because when we stand on the ground, sober, and think rationally then the idea that we'd tie ourselves to each other is scary because we'd rather fail alone [...]"

Throw that bottle of red wine off the roof, smash it into the empty lot across the street.

I knew I wouldn't cut my feet on the glass going back down the stairs, but I sat alone on the rooftop when you went, my heart racing for a moment each time the wind howled and the doors to the empty elevator shaft slammed.

Do I get points for cool, for suffering through the night with icy limbs, for slipping, sliding, gliding on. Am I just this frigid all the time, only now feeling it as the physical sensation of a warm winter night, snow melting against the heat of my body but still sending chills down my spine as it lands between my neck and my collar?  

But run on sentences are alright, I've been taught, as long as they serve an end, form dicated by function. No, instead I go on and on and on my thoughts disjointed, leading nowhere. Life lessons I never learnt in grammar school seem to haunt me.

But run on sentences are alright, I've been taught, as long as they serve an end, form dicated by function. No, instead I go on and on and on my thoughts disjointed, leading nowhere. Life lessons I never learnt in grammar school seem to haunt me.