i feel as though i'm living out my last days here with even greater indifference than before, it's no longer uncomfortable to pretend i care, it's excruciating and i can barely fake it anymore: my whole body rebels as i attempt to complete the motions, my limbs ache with my inner fatigue, i am nauseous by default and i feel so goddamn ridiculous for being this way because i know it's not you and it's not this place. it's just me and another setting won't change the scene, and it's all a monologue anyways so it doesn't matter who the characters are.

And i don't know anymore which thoughts are rational and which feelings real- neither fact nor fiction seem to exist black and white are gone and i'm just living in some kind of world of grey sludge, right next to a real world where i can make out the colours and i know what i feel and your touch doesn't seem so cold and empty, and all i want is to smash through the glass keeping me away but i'm afraid to cut myself on on the shards so i'll stay and wait for someone to snap me out of this state.