so fucking nauseous and dizzy and exhausted. i'm spent emotionally and physically and i can't sleep. 

i wanted to go home, even if it was only to smoke as many cigarettes as i could because i couldn't sleep and everything hurts. i ride my bike east on fairmount, headed to st-laurent. arriving at a red light i can only turn right because i can't bear to be still just yet. i glance around, watching for cars or pedestrians,  or the sight of you through the window, on his bed. i have a bottle of water in my hand because it kept falling off the bike and i'm somehow hoping to cleanse you out of my system with water alone and now i'm crying again and steering with one hand while the other holds the water. 

then, home. i'm in bed right now and all i can think about is how many different ways this hurts.

get out. get out. get out.